Quote Crack
by Deekie
Summary: Complete and utter stupidity. it is waay worse than crack XP each chapter is made around a quote that has been said by myself, my sister or my friends. some can be considered offensive... dont like, dont read.
1. Get Nakie

Roy Mustang and his subordinates were sitting in his office, the windows wide open, hoping to god that a cool wind would breeze through.

It was a very, **very **hot day in Central and they were in foul moods.

Everyone looked up as the door was thrown open with a crash, making Roy sigh as he realised that it was probably broken.

Into the room stomped Edward Elric with a glare on his face – and some sweat caused by the heat and waaaaay too much black – and his brother Alphonse, muttering apologies.

No one was in the mood for talking, so Ed just found a seat and dropped himself into it and closed his eyes.

After a few minutes of stuffy silence, the Colonel decided that he had to make a short joke:

"So Ed; by the end of the day, are you gonna be boiled or fried shrimp? I only ask because I need to figure out a side dish."

Without a word, Ed promptly leaned over to his brother, pulled off his head – ignoring Al's protests – and chucked it at him, managing to hit him on the nose.

All of a sudden, the door was flung open again, this time to reveal two teenage girls wearing shorts and bikini tops.

They started fanning themselves with their hands and the red-haired one said: "Jeez, it's really hot, huh?"

The blonde saw Ed and cried, "OH MY GOD, why are you wearing so many clothes?!"

The two ran over to Ed and started singing loudly: "LET'S GET NAKIE! GETTIN' NAKIE!" and started to pull off his clothes.

The military personnel and Alphonse could only watch in shock at the weirdness of what was happening.

"OH MY GOD! I'M BEING VIOLATED! HELP ME!!!" Ed shouted in vain.

By the end of this violation, Ed was wearing nothing but his boxers and his boots.

The girls had long since disappeared and Ed was wallowing in self pity in a corner.

**The quote that inspired this weird chapter was:**

**LET'S GET NAKIE! GETTIN' NAKIE!**

**It happened last summer in the heat of July in Italy.... very hot...**

**Me and my sister created it XD**


	2. Ed's Penis

Two days after the traumatic experience of being stripped by two strange girls, Ed and Al were walking around Central.

They hadn't been walking for very long before they saw the two girls again.

Ed immediately started to shake and Al quickly pulled his older brother into a large crowd. They pushed people out of their way, earning themselves quite a few rude words and hand-gestures.

Once at the front of the crowd, they saw that they were all gathered around a street performer who was dancing with a chicken. Ed stared for a few moments, thinking about how weird it was that a guy was dancing with a chicken but it was even weirder that people loved it.

He noticed his brother standing completely still and recalled that Al had a deathly fear of dancing chickens. He pulled him back out of the crowd, bumping into quite a few already angry people. He saw the girls again, and tried to escape, but they noticed them.

The two came over to them and Al noticed that there was another girl with them, also with blonde hair.

The new girl came right up to Ed and slung her arm over his shoulders and declared – quite loudly:

"I'm saving Ed's penis for Christmas!"

There was complete silence in the square and the three girls left, giggling.

Ed had gone utterly white and his brother was very worried about his brother's penis' well-being.

**Hehe, the quote was changed a little; it was originally:**

**I'm saving Rob's penis for Christmas!**

**That was said by my friend Alex about a boy my sister liked... I can't remember WHY it was said though... XD**


	3. Envy and WetDreams

It was a week later and Alphonse was happy that Ed seemed to have forgotten about that strange girl and his penis.

They were walking through a forest just outside of Central at night. Ed had thought that it would be a good way to think over the homunculus problem. But it didn't seem to be working.

"GRRG! What the heck are they up to?!" Ed cried in frustration.

"Wouldn't you like to know, pipsqueak."

The Elric brothers turned to see Envy sitting in a tree. He swiftly leapt down and landed only a few feet away from them.

Before he could think, Ed was thrown threw some more trees. He picked himself up and noticed a tent, which was kinda weird.

Suddenly, Al landed beside him. Envy quickly followed and threw a punch at him. ed managed to jump to the side just in time, but barely.

They stopped fighting when they heard voices. At first they couldn't tell what they were saying, but they could tell that they were coming from the random tent.

The tent opened and Ed's jaw dropped when he saw the two girls again; the red-head was lying down and the blonde seemed to be leaving the tent.

The red-head groaned:

"Sally, will you please shut up so that I can get back to my wet-dream about Envy?"

Envy went pale and froze.

The blonde, Sally, replied:

"Can girls have wet-dreams?"

"I dunno... maybe we can just have orgasmic experiences?"

The three males were standing, watching the tent in shock. Sally turned and saw Envy, who was the closest to the tent.

"Hey Melody-Sharpay? I think that your wet-dream is about to become real!"

And suddenly Ed and Al broke and burst out laughing. Sally turned to them and grinned:

"Heya shorty!"

Ed snapped and started his rant:

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE CAN'T EVEN REACH AN ORGASMIC CLIMAX?!"

There was complete silence and Ed started to blush.

The girls and Envy burst out laughing.

**Hehe. That was so weird... I used three quotes in this one, but they're all from the same night in Rome with my sister.**

**The first one is:**

"_**Amy, will you please shut up so that I can get back to my wet-dream about Envy?"**_

**There was a bit of a gap between that one and this one:**

"_**Can girls have wet-dreams?" **_

"_**I dunno.... maybe we can just have orgasmic experiences?"**_

**And the third was a short rant I came up with a few nights later in the car with my sister:**

"_**WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN'T EVEN REACH AND ORGASMIC CLIMAX?!"**_

**Ahh, fun times... XP**

**Oh, by the way, the two girls are actually me and my sister; I changed the names... in the last chapter, the other girl was our friend Alex XD**

*** Oh, and Melody Sharpay is my sister Niamh's favourite name of all time. I claim no credit to the invention of that name. If anyone, **_**anyone**_** steals that name, i cannot be held responsible to what happens to you, with or without the use of blunt spoons. * **


	4. Ejaculation

The next day Ed was still embarrassed about his rant the previous night. And, to make it worse, Envy had been there.

Al was still making fun of him too.

Once they reached Military HQ, they went straight to the Colonel's office. Once there, they were surprised, shocked and a little scared to see the two girls, Sally and Melody-Sharpay, were there.

"EDO!" shouted Melody-Sharpay, grinning.

"Have you reached your climax yet?" asked Sally with an evil grin. Ed blushed, Al and Melody-Sharpay giggled and the military team frowned all confused-like.

"Shut up! What are you two doing here anyway?"demanded Ed, angrily.

Sally shrugged, "Well, Melody-Sharpay wants to read a fic about Tamaki ejaculating to a pic of Kyoya sleeping." Melody-Sharpay's eyes widened and she indignantly denied it.

Sally got a thoughtful look on her face and said: "I wonder how you spell 'Ejaculate'?"

The two girls left the room, leaving an air of shock behind them.

"Fullmetal," started Roy. "Who the hell are those two?!"

Ed shuddered so Al answered for him:

"They're these two girls that we seem to keep running into..."

They came back into the room before anything else could be said.

Sally's face was white and Melody-Sharpay was just shaking her head. She said:

"There are some words that you just don't type into Google, and 'Ejaculate' is one of them."

"I didn't think... I just wanted to know how it was spelt... I wasn't expecting..." stuttered Sally.

The others in the room gaped at the girls; how could she NOT KNOW?!

She shuddered again and left the office, with Melody-Sharpay close behind her.

**Hehe, there are two quotes in there:**

_**Niamh wants to read a fic about Tamaki ejaculating to a pic of Kyoya sleeping.**_

**I said it, but it isn't really true... XP It's about Ouran High-School Host Club. We read a fic and it was really good.... but that didn't actually happen... XD**

**The second one was:**

_**There are some words that you just don't type into Google, and Ejaculate is one of them.**_

**Hehe *nervous*. It's true... NEVER TYPE IT IN! Niamh and I were laughing and I wanted to write that last quote into my notebook, but didn't know how to spell Ejaculate.... I couldn't be bothered looking for a dictionary and knew that, if I got it wrong, the right spelling would come up on Google... I just didn't expect there to be pictures..... *shudder* **


	5. Mustang and Teenagers

The next day the girls came in again, making the team wonder how they managed to get past security.

"TODAY WE HAVE A SPECIAL PLAY, JUST FOR YOU!" shouted Sally, smiling.

"Oh joy!" cried Ed sarcastically. Sally just chucked a monkey at him.

As Ed struggled to tame said monkey, Sally continued her announcement:

"Now, the casting is as so: Melody-Sharpay as.... MELODY-SHARPAY!"

"YES!" cheered Melody-Sharpay.

"And ME as COLONEL ROY MUSTANG!"

Jaws dropped again – as they seem to a lot around those girls – but the two ignored them and proceeded to change outfits.

Melody-Sharpay changed out of her white shirt into a cream-coloured shirt and straightened her hair while Sally stole Roy's military jacket and put it on.

Once ready, they moved to the centre of the room and started.

Sally, in a poor masculine voice said: "Hello Melody-Sharpay."

Melody-Sharpay replied: "Helllooo Mustang!"

"How are you today?"

"I'm feeling very... no, on lent!"

"Do you wanna do something tonight?"

"No Mustang, I don't wanna be one of your one-night stands!"

"But you're special!"

"I bet you say that to all the girls!"

"...Not the teenagers."

They stopped acting and turned to their mini crowd and asked: "What do ya think?"

They couldn't even speak, not even the monkey moved.

"What the heck was that?!" exclaimed Breda.

"A play..."

"Wow..." said Fuery. "I never knew that the Colonel went for teenage girls..."

That comment started a fight that would've been ended a lot faster had Sally not stolen Roy's gloves and had Black Hayate not eaten Riza's four office guns and had Ed not been laughing so much.

**YAY!**

**There was only one quote in this one:**

**AMY *AS MUSTANG*: **_**"Hello Niamh."**_

**NIAMH: **_**"Helllooo Mustang!"**_

**AMY: **_**"How are you today?"**_

**NIAMH**_**: "I'm feeling very... no, on lent!"**_

**AMY: **_**"Do you wanna do something tonight?"**_

**NIAMH: **_**"No Mustang, I don't wanna be one of your one-night stands!"**_

**AMY: **_**"But you're special!"**_

**NIAMH: **_**"I bet you say that to all the girls!"**_

**AMY: **_**"...Not the teenagers."**_

**Hehe, one day I got the manga with Mustang on the front and randomly started talking to Niamh. This was during lent, and for lent my sister had given up dirty jokes – during which my dirty mind escalated for reasons unknown... – and a month later she told me that she was gonna say horny... but couldn't XD**

**Oh, and I decided that Breda and Fuery should have lines at some point in the story XP**


	6. Molesters

It was just another day in Central when Ed and Al had the misfortune to meet up with the crazy girls, Melody-Sharpay and Sally.

"Heya Ed, Al!" they cried happily, running over to them. "Wanna go get some ice-cream?"

They didn't even give the brothers a chance to reply before pulling them to some place that sold ice-cream. They ran in and tried to buy the whole place – literally, they tried! – before Al convinced them that they could, in fact, share one that they both liked.

They thought that his idea was genius and immediately picked a lemon ice-cream – ya know those lemons that are cut in half, filled with lemon-flavoured ice-cream and frozen? Yeah, that's what they got –, got two spoons and pulled the boys outside.

After a while, they decided that it was too much trouble holding the lemon, and got Ed to hold it while they ate the ice-cream.

"Ed is the impartial lemon-holder!" declared Sally, loudly.

Ed growled while his brother laughed.

After they'd finished the yummy ice-cream and Ed's hand was near freezing point, they decided to go get chips! They ran to a nearby chipper that Ed and Al hadn't known existed and ordered only two plates 'cause Al couldn't eat and Ed decided that he wasn't hungry.

Once seated with their food, they started to practically inhale the chips. Ed smelled them and suddenly felt hungry. He started to steal chips from Sally and once she noticed, she stopped eating, pointed her index finger at Ed and shouted:

"Ed, stop molesting my chips!"

That statement got them a fair few strange looks and so they quickly left.

After a bit of wandering, two adults came up to them and handed Sally a toy monkey – similar to the one that she'd thrown at Ed during their 'play', but not alive – and Melody-Sharpay introduced them as their parents.

The two adults looked at Ed and AL and said, quite seriously:

"Last night, in our bed, monkey saw things that no monkey should ever see..."

All four teens stared at the two as they turned and walked away before Sally said:

"My parents are monkey molesters."

**Hehe... four quotes there:**

_**Phil is the impartial lemon holder.**_

**Yeah, my sisters friend Phil came out with us one day and we got that lemon ice-cream and ended up getting him to hold it while we ate it... he ate the actual lemon in the end...**

**The second one was:**

_**Phil, stop molesting my chips!**_

**He tried to steal my chips... grr**

**The third was:**

_**Last night, in our bed, monkey saw things that no monkey should ever see...**_

**I do actually have a small monkey teddy called monkey XP and, somehow, he was in my parents' bed one night... the next morning they gave him to me and said that... weirdo's...**

**And the last one I said to Niamh and Phil:**

_**My parents are monkey molesters**_

**I had the word 'molest' on my mind that day...**

**XD**


	7. Procrastination, Yeah, you get it!

**Chapter Seven:**

**Procrastination, Yeah, you get it!**

Much like the beginning of our story; Roy Mustang was sitting in his office doing nothing. However, by this time, the heat-wave in Central had passed.

He was just sitting at his desk, staring off into space. The only reason he was able to do so, was because Hawkeye had taken the day off to take Black Hayate to the vet to get the four guns removed from his stomach ***(remember? In chapter 5 he ate them)***

The colonel was quite enjoying his rare peace and solitude in his office until the newest banes of his existence burst through the – quite strong and stable – solid wood door.

He let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his temple, already feeling the headache coming, "What are you two doing here?"

Sally laughed and turned to her red-haired companion, "Why don't you tell him, Melody-Sharpay?"

The girl simply shrugged, "Nothin better to do..." She then looked him in the eye (quite an uncomfortable experience, Roy discovered) and spoke, "What are _you _doing, Roy?"

He sighed happily, "Nothing; Hawkeye took the day off so she can't threaten me into doing my paperwork!" He didn't notice the glint that appeared in the eyes of the strange girls.

"So," said Sally. "You're just gonna leave it until Riza comes back and makes you do it?"

"Ahh... yes!" he smiled, contented.

"Look at you, sittin' there all high an' mighty!" cried Melody-Sharpay, staring at Roy "Yeah you get it!"

Mustang frowned, confused now. Sally turned to him and shouted loudly and clearly:

"**Roy Mustang! Procrastination is like masturbation! The only one you're fucking is yourself! Now get back to work!**"

Roy's jaw dropped and after another awkward – for him, anyway – he quickly started reading and signing his paperwork.

Sally and Melody-Sharpay grinned and high-fived each other before turning and skipping back out of the office. Roy was so engrossed in his work, that he didn't even notice that he was free again.

**

* * *

**

**YO!**

**Two quotes here! ^^**

**The first is:**

_**Look at you, sittin' there all high n' mighty.... yeah, you get it!**_

**Me and my sister were at our friends' house where she has 3 cats and either 3 or 4 dogs. One of the cats was sitting near us looking like a queen staring down at us with distain... even though we were like a metre higher than it... Niamh just randomly said this to the cat and we then used the "Yeah, you get it!" part for every little thing for the next like 2 days...**

**The other quote was:**

_**Procrastination is like masturbation; the only one you're fucking is yourself!**_

**I think that that one has been around a lot of people :) but I heard it from my sister, from her friend Emily, from her mam... haha!**

**Now.... PEACE OUT MA HOMIES! (I just had to put it in... XD)**

**Amy xx**

**_PS:_** _I know that my updates (for all of my fics) are taking ages, but I've had a bit of a writer's block with them... when ideas for other stories come to mind, I usually write them down, I am working on those stories, but others too... please don't be upset with any long periods between updates :)_


	8. A Lack of Underwear

**Chapter 8: A Lack of Underwear**

A few days after Roy was traumatized into working – honestly, you'd think it'd take a bit more than just two teenage girls to traumatize him after the whole Ishbal thing – Riza returned to the office.

She was more than a little surprised to see that the Colonel had actually done all of his paperwork, and, when questioned about it, simply shuddered.

Riza wasn't complaining though, it was both a pain and a waste of money having to constantly buy fresh bullets just to make him do his own job.

She wasn't feeling very comfortable though. It was a little stuffy in the room, but it was raining outside so they couldn't open the windows. She never liked the feeling of being in a stuffy room in her military issued trousers though.

Most female officers wore the skirts in the office, but Riza had never felt comfortable in them. It wasn't that she was worried about men trying to look up her skirt, – if the so much as tried, she have a bullet in their crotch in seconds – she just felt uncomfortable wearing just a skirt over her knickers.

The men had all gone on their lunch break except Riza, who wasn't hungry.

She was in the office all alone until two girls came into the room quite calmly. She recognised them as Sally and Melody-Sharpay, the girls who'd made a play which had resulted in a fight and Black Hayate needing surgery.

"Hello Riza!" they greeted her with a smile.

"Hello..." she replied cautiously.

"How are you on this fine day?" asked Sally, ecstatic for some reason.

Riza shrugged and said that she was fine, just a little stuffy. Melody-Sharpay gave her a funny look and said:

"Are you even wearing underwear?"

Riza's eyes widened, "Yes!" she cried indignantly.

"Okay... it just looked like you were going commando there..."

Riza could only gape at her in shock.

"But," said Sally "you should know this..."

"It is liberating to go around without underwear in a skirt!" finished Melody-Sharpay.

The two grinned at each other and calmly walked back out the door.

For the next hour, Riza was unable to concentrate; her thoughts kept flicking back to what the girls had said.

**The Next Day:**

Havoc was sitting on a chair by the window, smoking and watching Breda kick Fuery's ass in chess while Mustang stared out the window wearing a vacant expression. The group of them were having fun and were feeling quite relaxed.

At that moment, into the room walked Riza. They all stopped what they were doing to stare at her.

She had come into the office smiling and chatting to Melody-Sharpay and Sally. And, not only that, but she was wearing a skirt!

In their brief moment of silence, they overheard Riza exclaim:

"I must say; it does feel very nice to be able to wear a skirt with no underwear!"

The moment was never mentioned again but, whenever the males saw Riza Hawkeye in a skirt they would turn bright red and babble meaningless nonsense about knickers.

**

* * *

**

**HEYA PEEPS... or anyone who reads this crap.... if anyone actually does.... not even my sister does... she just shakes her head at me whenever I tell her what crap I put into my most recent chapter...**

**I HAVE NEWS!**

**I have decided on a grand finale for this story! It probably won't be for a while, but it we are absolutely positive that it will surprise you! You might even like it too!**

**Ok, the first quote was:**

_**Niamh: Are you even wearing underwear?**_

_**Me: O.o YES! *indignant***_

_**Niamh: Ok.. it just looked like you were going commando there...**_

**It was a random day and she still hasn't explained why she thought that...**

**The next one was:**

"_**It is liberating to go around without underwear in a skirt!"**_

**Niamh said that one, of course, and I have no idea why... I can't remember....**

**And the last one was:**

"_**I must say; it feels very nice to be able to wear a skirt with no underwear!"**_

**Guess who said it? That's right! My odd older sister, Niamh... she was actually wearing underwear too.... She scares me sometimes...**

**PEACE OUT!!! **

**XxX ****Amy**** XxX **


	9. Smexy Violence and Boobs

"Man..." sighed Ed, walking into Mustang's office in Central. He just knew that he was about to get another assignment and, although being tired and worn out, was looking forward to leaving the two freakish girls behind in Central.

"Oh!" exclaimed Havoc, seeing him and Al enter "You didn't break down the door..."

The heads of the other members of the team shot up in shock, even Hawkeye's face showed her surprise. Mustang's had to be the most annoying of them all though:

"Well, well, well... looks like our patience is finally working on you. Just like training a _dog_" He smirked, causing Ed to turn red and fume (which was probably Roy's intention from the start).

As Ed opened his mouth to shout, the two most annoying people on the face of the planet made their way into the room – Ed could easily admit at this point that Mustang was a friendly and calm person compared to Sally and Melody-Sharpay.

The red-head ***(Melody-Sharpay for anyone whose forgotten)* **quickly ran over to Lieutenant Hawkeye and smiled, "Yo boobs!"

The faces of the males in the room turned various shades of pink and red – even Alphonse managed to sprout a pretty rose colour onto his metal helmet.

Sally looked over at Mustang and smirked, "Hey penis"

Ed frowned, confused by the shudder that coursed through the Flame Alchemist's body at Sally's look.

"What's up with you, Mustang?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow. Roy only shook his head in response and Sally quickly jumped in (quite literally) and spoke instead,

"Never mind about him, Edo-chan!" she smirked, "how's Envy?"

"How am I supposed to know?" he frowned "why are you smirking like that?"

She sighed and threw up her arms "Oh come on, Ed, it's **obvious** that you two are in love and secretly have hot 'nd smexy yaoi sex whenever possible!"

Jaws dropped around the office at this and Alphonse gasped "brother". Melody-Sharpay looked at all of the open mouths and cautioned them: "Ya know; birds and flies and crap are gonna leave some nasty things in your mouths if ye keep leaving them open like that". They all snapped shut like a mouse trap, but their eyes never left Ed's face.

"WHAT?! That's **disgusting**! Besides, I'M STRAIGHT!"

"So's spaghetti 'till you heat it up!" Melody-Sharpay added with a grin.

"..." there was complete silence until one man spoke up. One guess as to who it was...

"Wow Ed," smirked Roy (there's an awful lot of smirking going on in this office, no?), "you're a wee bit sluttish, now!"

Roy leaned back in his large, comfy chair as Ed steamed.

All of a sudden, Ed pounced at Mustang and landed one automail fist on the older man's jaw with a heck of a lot of force.

After a momentary pause of surprise, Roy snapped his fingers ("Does he ever take those gloves off?" ponders Sally. "I doubt it... everything in his house is probably fireproof. Imagine how much money he spends on fire extinguishers!" replied Melody-Sharpay) and sent Ed flying to the other end of the room, straight into his brother's waiting arms. He landed with a loud clang and a slight gasp of pain (his brother **is** made of metal!).

"Oohh! Violence, yay!" cried Melody-Sharpay happily.

Everyone turned to the red-head and were further surprised at the sweat-drop on Sally's head.

"Yes dear... let's go home and you can watch Naruto beat someone up or something..."

Melody-Sharpay's eyes lit up and sparkled as she quickly turned and sped out of the office, leaving Sally to chase after her ("slow **down** you madwoman!").

"What... the crap?" said Havoc after another couple of minutes.

**

**Yello my non-existent readers! :P**

**I know I hardly update my stories, but I've been studying a lot recently (the alternative is repeating the year) and, worse yet, I broke my right index finger and had to have a surgery on it! It's pretty painful and has like 7 metal yokes sticking out of it... I've not had the best 2 weeks :P**

**Sooo, yea :D the quotes...**

**NIAMH:** Yo boobs!

**ME: **Hey penis

**Niamh came into the room and could only see my boobs through a bookshelf :P**

"I'M STRAIGHT!**"**

"So's spaghetti 'till you heat it up!**"**

**Niamh just came up with that one day and told to put it in the book.**

"You're a wee bit sluttish, now**"**

**One of my sister's Italian friends called her a **_**puttana**_** (whore) as a joke and she asked me to look it up in our huge technical Italian dictionary and saw the sentence "**_**a wee bit sluttish**_**" in it and found it hilarious.**

"Oohh! Violence, yay!**"**

**Niamh said that... can't remember why, but she did. And she tries to convince herself that she's a pacifist... *snorts***

**Okaaaay... from now on, I'm gonna start using all of the quotes in my book- not just the ones said by people I know; by famous people, in TV shows, films, books and from other fanfictions. I will always give credit for these quotes and if any of the authors of these quotes object to my using it, I will remove it straight away!**

**:P one more thing before I go...**

**I like fire XD **

**(as in, I welcome flames)**


End file.
